


Bake or Die

by tck489



Category: Sherlock Holmes (Downey films)
Genre: Baking, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:52:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1610771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tck489/pseuds/tck489
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson are kidnapped by someone who forces them to make sweet, sweet baked goods together. 100% unadulterated crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bake or Die

**Author's Note:**

> Written several years ago for the following anonymous prompt on the shkinkeme:
> 
> My inner crack fiend says: "Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson are kidnapped by someone who force them to make sweet, sweet baked goods together." Any 'verse, any antagonist(s), any baked goods but Xmas cookies are starting to look seasonal.

"Our next guest is a renowned consulting detective whose work continues to solve mysteries the nation over, his stunning intellect confounds Scotland Yard and criminals alike. Please welcome the very talented Mr. Sherlock Holmes!"  
  
The live audience for the taping of the Martha Stewart show erupted in cheers as Sherlock Holmes was led out onto the set, clad only in chains.  
  
"It's so nice to have you on the show!" Martha Stewart proclaimed, looking into the camera. "...and it seems you've brought your biographer along, what a treat! Dr. John H. Watson!" Martha Stewart announced to the roaring audience while Watson, pulled along by the chains attached to Holmes, stumbled into frame in much the same condition.  
  
As the two chained men took their position behind the prop kitchen island, Martha Stewart continued her monologue: "We're so glad to have the two of you here, during this busy holiday season. Thank you for finding the time to join us today, I hope we're not interrupting one of your fascinating cases!"  
  
The camera reframed in close-up around Holmes' face as he glanced down at the chains. "Yes, well..." he grumbled and turned to Watson, the camera following his eyeline.  
  
The shot hung on the frown below Watson's moustache.  
  
Either not caring, or oblivious to the awkwardness Martha Stewart spoke in her sing-song voice. "Today, these men are going to show us how to make a delicious batch of Christmas cookies! I'm told these butter biscuits are such a hit at Baker street that we just _had_ to have you on!" ... at any cost it would seem.  
  
On the prop counter top lay two cookie sheets with little drops of dough on them.   
  
"Because of the dangers a hot oven poses with Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson's attire, we opted to prepare our treats in advance for you today. Mr. Holmes is going to relate to us how they prepare the batter while Dr. Watson decorates the finished cookies."  
  
The two were staring off into the audience with a tired look when Martha Stewart gave a quick kick to Holmes's ankle. The chains holding the men together clanged, "Aren't you, boys?" Martha Stewart's eyes glowed dangerously.  
  
Quickly, Holmes picked up a wooden spoon and began to whip at the dish of ingredients in front of him, babbling on about the proper ratios of eggs to sugar and flour to vanilla. Watson, following suit, picked up a bag of icing and began to dab dots on to the already prepared product.  
  
The audience sat transfixed on the happenings in front of them -- nude men baking -- and Martha Stewart smiled and nodded at the actions, popping in with a frequent elaboration on some point of Holmes's forced explanation.  
  
"Let's check in with Dr. Watson and the icing," she spoke eventually.  
  
The camera cut away from Holmes's on-going battle with the batter to reveal Watson tortuously adding sprinkles to the tops of the cookies. On hearing his name, Watson took leave of his task, slipped on a pair of polka dotted oven mitts, and clutched at the cookie sheet.  
  
"What kind of shapes have you made for us?"  
  
Clearing his throat, Watson tilted the sheet up for the camera and audience to see and spoke awkwardly, "A star, ugh, a tree, a Christmas ball..."  
  
"And what's that one?" Martha Stewart asked pointing at an oddly shaped lump of dough with sprinkles surrounding it.  
  
"Oh that? That's two conjoined men forced against their will to bake goods for an insane woman... a favourite in our household"  
  
Martha Stewart eyes darkened once again, but forced a smile to her audience. "How wonderfully creative! Well, that's all the time we have this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we'll hear all about Inspector Lestrade's secret meatball platter!"  
  
The final shot of the Martha Stewart show lingered on the three of them around the counter: Martha Stewart biting into a cookie as one of her lackeys cut the chains on Holmes -- still whipping frantically with batter caught in his hair -- and a frowning Watson with sparkling glitter fragments caught in his moustache.


End file.
